NIGHT THOUGHTS

Loneliness is the hardest thing in the world. You can't chew it, swallow it, or spit it out. In the morning and during the day, there's always something to do, plenty of energy and desires. Morning and day are wonderful. But evenings aren't always. In the evening, you don't want to be alone.

I never want to talk about it; I always put off the moment. I don't know the right, proper words to describe it exactly as it is. It seems to me that it's not very easy for people to listen and know that you're having a hard time... When you stew in your own juices, hiding from self-questioning like: "How does it happen that you seem to be a good person... if you're so good, why, even though there are many wonderful people around you, WHY, existentially, are you still alone?" You have a mental conversation with yourself.

— People? Maybe you're talking about someone specific?!

— One person would be enough.

— That's exactly why you don't tell anyone about it.

— Because if you don't stay silent, those in your circle who are called friends...

— Yes, they will think it's not worth it...

— And in reality, there are neither them nor anyone else. And those who are there, or could be, are not enough.

— ...ABOUT THE TRUTH

Katya keeps asking me not to tell anyone where she works. Lyoshka even arrived, and she told him she quit the "Oy-Yo" restaurant, where she worked as a hostess until the end of the local winter, and is resting now.

— Why don't you tell him everything as it is, what's wrong with that? — I ask her.

— It's my life. I don't want to!

— People are more likely to suspect something bad if you don't talk than if you tell them!

To confirm my point, with Ira half a year ago, she told me, there was a real case: she hid from a local acquaintance where she worked, inventing another place. After some time, the lie was discovered, and she still had to tell the truth about where exactly. Do you know what that acquaintance answered her? He said:

— I knew it!

And what did he know? He could only assume or guess. And, as it turned out, he assumed much worse than it actually was. And if she had told everything honestly right away, she would have spared both herself and him unpleasant "moments" at once. That's it. And therefore, I intend to tell the truth! To me, it's better and more correct.

So I don't know what to do: I don't want to offend Katya, but what am I supposed to do now, throw away the book? I can't cross Katya out of the pages, and I don't want to. For me, this is a painful question. This work is a complete piece. How can it be, especially in this way, "shortened"? In general, one can only hope that Katya will forgive me. I won't make excuses, say I'm not to blame, or invent reasons why I "couldn't cut out the facts." No, I am guilty, no question about it! I told it! I admit that I am behaving badly. And if Katya gets offended, there is a reason. And I am ashamed.

AT WORK THEY WAIT LIKE A MIRACLE

"And now, disco!" I say to myself so I don't go crazy from my work. And that's how it turns out: they wait for me there like an extraordinary phenomenon. Especially my bartender colleagues. The reason? There are several: they see me now about twice a week, depending on how often their shift falls with mine. While other faces annoy them for about four days. More reasons? I don't care about anything: I behave however I want. I don't really worry about whether I'll be able to keep this place or not. Even more: with such behavior, I'm "almost asking" to be fired. When I first arrived two months ago, they told me I had to dance, so I started. Apparently, they danced before me too, but now it turns out beautifully. Before, they were somehow on their own, a little bit. But I listen to the music and try to move to its beat. And Tubani and Oscar stand to my right and left and join in my movements. It looks, I can imagine, great! Later we were told more than once: "You guys danced coolly!" That's it. In short, I appear there like a miracle and work as if I'm living my last day — so much so that I recover for a long time after these days. And people like that, in general, don't get fired!

ABOUT GIFTS

It's also approaching New Year, so it's even more relevant. Dima, a friend of mine here (we went to a psychotherapy group together, he still goes to the same psychologist and psychotherapist), asks me:

— What should I give THEM for New Year? — and it somehow happened that in previous years, the ideas for what to present were mine.

— I don't know, Dima! — I replied, — come up with something! Give something so that THEY understand and know WHAT they mean to you.

I somehow discovered a universal formula and now I want to share it. How did I come up with this? Perhaps intuitively.

Cases immediately come to mind when it was very pleasant and unexpected for me to receive great gifts. Moreover, at that moment I felt that they were given "VERY MUCH FOR ME," that the person who gave it felt, "read me correctly." Surely, at least once in life, each of us has had to experience a similar feeling: a person "sees between the lines" so much (not just understands, understanding is sometimes not enough!) that they know exactly what you would like. And this, I know from myself, cannot help but touch you.

That is what you need to start from. Does she like flowers? Well, give her a flower in a pot! Does he like airplanes? Present him with a colorful album with photos of the models he is interested in. Does the person love horses? Organize an excursion to an equestrian club for them, and try to arrange everything so that they have the opportunity to ride. And if they are afraid, then in a horse-drawn sleigh (if it's winter outside). Well, and so on. The principle, I hope, is clear!

For example, I hate all sorts of souvenirs, soft toys, magnets, and other trifles that are usually given "for the sake of it," "for show." I would be happier with a two-liter jar of peach juice. Or village milk. And you? What gifts make you happy?

To "give a gift well," you need to feel the person. And conversely, if you are delighted with the gift presented to you and understand that it is "very much your" gift, then you are pleased too! And often even more not because of the gift itself, but because the person who gave it to you knows you so well. And understands.

December 05, 2008