One evening I decided to relax: just lie down and read a book. Here is a list of phrases from just one evening:

Me: Why are you so dressed up?

Vika: I have a date with a lesbian. She's picking me up in 10 minutes.

Me: (facepalm)

Vika: Tyom, please help me untangle this, I'm running out of time (hands me a thong and a bra).

Me: (facepalm)

Vika: I've never had sex with a girl.

Ira: Well, I have.

Me: (facepalm)

Ira: How would you rate my butt?

Me: (facepalm)

Yulia: Today at the beach, some boys told us that Native Americans have sex wearing hats. I told them: And Russians do it in SOCKS!!!

Me: (facepalm)

Vika: I once woke up in Baltimore one morning and realized the process was already underway.

Me: (facepalm)

Yulia: I hope Kostya doesn't call me today.

A knock at the door. Kostya is standing there.

Yulia: Hi!

(2 minutes later)

Yulia: YOU BRAIN-FUCKER, GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Me: (facepalm)

Vika is lying half a meter away from me, with a guy.

Vika: Oh, it's up! Now it's down...

Me: (facepalm)