Desire always boils down to a list of conditions to be met. To start; to be able to. But what if you don't change yourself? Do you know a way to start living exactly as you are? I don't. I build stages for myself. Probably out of habit. Stages have happened in everyone's life. The sequence is, of course, not the same for everyone, and the number of stages varies too. But for me: kindergarten, then eight years of school (I finished tenth grade, but skipped the fourth; not by my own choice, it was just the norm back then). Then four years of technical college with eight small stages involving sessions, internships, coursework, exams, and a diploma. After that, university. The university principle is similar to the technical college one, only I studied for five years instead of four. Though the four years of college felt like ten, and the university years flew by like two; hence the tricky question — where was I better off?
Somewhere between college and university, you can see additional stages. The children's 'Press Center' club in Kopeysk, a student theater with friends from the Chelyabinsk State Pedagogical University. And later, the 'Creative Group' at my SUSU (South Ural State University). There we performed plays, 'initiations into psychology,' and New Year's shows.
Between all of this, there was a trip to England for the summer. Another one the following year to the States. I also went on vacation: to Odessa, St. Petersburg, Nefteyugansk, Moscow, a bus tour around Europe, and annual summer hikes through the forests and lakes of the Chelyabinsk region. I went on other trips with friends and relatives.
After graduating from university, I spent two and a half years in individual and group psychotherapy. As a participant. And I also had 'all sorts of jobs' that I don't want to write about and that would be boring to read.
For the last year and a half, I've been attending the Chelyabinsk literary club 'Svyatunets,' where I met many fellow writers and several interesting people.
Now I've come up with a trip to South Africa. I mean, do you understand? Everything I do is something that starts and ends. And in the case of trips abroad, no matter how much I like them, I really look forward to them ending. For what? Why am I better at enjoying the moment rather than the process? I'm sure someone will tell me in response: 'Well, if you don't know how, then I don't know who does!' I can only shrug at such a statement, even though I've heard it before. But I'm somehow not ready for yet another such judgment.
So I'll be honest: I don't know how to live! And that's the truth! And sometimes, in reality, I need help. For example, with the answer to the question: how can one live without waiting for the 'end of a stage'?
No, actually, I don't want to wait for the end. But if you think about it, it's not the waiting as a process parallel to life that I don't want, but rather the act of waiting itself that I'm reluctant to do. Often, there's a desire to run away immediately. To dash across a field, jump into the cockpit of a small plane, and take off!
But I'm not Richard Bach. I am Semyon Sandalkin. And not only do I not know how to fly a plane, but I don't even have one. I basically only have enough money 'to eat,' a little bit to get clothes. And a tiny bit for small trips, from which I try to get the maximum pleasure. But even that wouldn't exist if I didn't try not to throw money away. So, what? Should I even bother?
And then, where would I fly? It's already cold in Russia, and that's even before the real frosts have started. And they will last a long time! And winter and I are, for now, incompatible. So until spring, no way! So all that's left is to try to 'somehow live normally.' Not to exist, but to live!
And the question remains: how to learn this without changing yourself (listen closely: with-out-chang-ing-your-self!!!)?
Only two things seem constant to me, though even that moment is relative: my desire for creativity and my existing relationships with people.
16:20, November 16, 2008
