Upon returning home, I felt a coldness toward everything that surrounded me. This coldness arose as a result of a complete rejection of my homeland, doubts, and fear mixed with anger. I was still attached to Belarus, but it had ceased to be a revered and flawless hero for me.
I looked through photos of my American friends and comforted myself with the thought that we were under the same sky. Although, let's be honest: due to my inherent penchant for drama, I felt my heart numbing with grief.
With my numerous flights, I awakened insomnia within myself. At night, this inner beast forced me to pace around the quiet apartment, and during the day, to drift into a half-slumber during my studies. Fighting a beloved enemy is a strictly individual matter. I fought in a banal way:
- I exhausted myself during the day. I even started doing crunches and running.
- I found the most boring book in the world and started reading it, savoring it, lingering on every word. Boredom helped me fall asleep.
- I drank hot tea to make myself drowsy.
Over time, everything improved: I even started feeling better mentally. Now I have found motivation for myself to work and travel. Yesterday I wrote to my best friend: "But I realized that I am the most valuable thing I have; I am the only thing I am obligated to improve in life. I love people madly, I love my friends and family, but even them I love through my own valuable self. I don't know how to explain it, but it started to seem important to me to understand that I am what I must cherish very deeply."
